so. it comes down to this. we're getting the rest of our papers back tomorrow. all of us sec 1s. im scared. im scared shit. i cant think about anything else now. i cant get it off my mind. its giving me an crap feeling in my stomach. i dont like it. i feel dizzy. woozy. i cant think straight.

i hate this. exams make me feel lousy. inferior. im an underperformer. have always been. an underachiever. i always understand what the teacher says in class. for most subjects (except bio and geog). but i never seem to be able to perform. no matter how hard i try; how hard i study, i cant. i just cant. its not fair. some people just do well at everything without even having to try hard. but i cant complain. no. i cant.

its not just the results. although they are a major ego-bringerdowner. its not like my parents will scold me or anything. its the guilt that weighs down on you like a heavy burden. the disappointment that you can sense on their faces. they make you feel like you should have done better. they make you think you could have done better. you almost convince you. but deep own inside, you know you cant. you try and fight back the stinging tears welling up in your eyes. but they cant stay down forever. and you know that.

you just cant face yourself. you cant even bear to look in the mirror. its horrible. a mixture of shame, guilt, disappointment, embarrassment and whatnot, churning and swelling up within you. you want to scream. but theres no place where you can do so without people asking you if you're alright, or where they wont tell you off, saying youre grown up and you should know better. and its no use hiding under your pillow either because pillows dont do much for people who scream very loud.

i dont want to go to school tomorrow. like i said, im scared. i dont want to fail. i dont want to have results that make me feel like crying. i want to be strong. even if strong people still cry.

mrs ang told me that i did poorly for maths. and mr wolfe said we underperformed. and ms tan was most definitely looking in my direction when hse said all those things about the time that people dont listen to her in class being proportionate to the scores. the thing is, i do lsiten. i do try. i always try my best. i dont want the same thing to repeat all over again in term 4. i do hope it doesnt.

i need mental preparation. and i still need to memorise my lines o.o good thing snowball doesnt have too many of them.