an afternoon devoted to icy tower
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
feeling pretty screwed up.
nope i have no regrets, its just bitter disappointment and a constant reminder of failure shoved in my face.
i guess it all boils down to whether you tried your best or not, which i can honestly say i did. i did what i could to the best of my ability, which is more than i can say for other things, so there's no regret or guilt.
but what gnaws at me, leaving me in turmoil, like everything's all tangled up, is that it wasn't me. i mean, i tried my best, but it just wasn't good enough. all this while i know i've done so much more than them, i've been bearing most responsibility, my their contributions pale in comparison to mine. and i heard that house keeps check on your grades, but seriously, my grades are better than most of theirs. so why is it that they get it and i don't?
if its because i'm simply not good enough, how can it? i feel i would make a better one, i think i can be a better one. no, i KNOW i can be a better one than them. and what's killing me inside is the guilt i feel when i say this, because they might feel the same way aobut this too. but out of the 4, 1 doesn't really want it, and 1 never even considered it until she got it.
but if it's because someone has something against me, well, screw. i mean, i'm not going to just let my chances of doing something i've really wanted since, um ( i dunno, P4?), fall to pieces, because someone feels like she should be biased today, and ignore everything that i've done. and even if she's only seen me when i'm being irresponsible, which is seldom (i'm serious!), she should at least go find out from other people whether i'm really that irresponsible most of the time or not.
but i can't give up just yet,
cos every word she's ever said,
is still ringing in my head,
still ringing in my head.
and i realised how apt these lyrics are, in a very different way.
people say there's always next year, but what they don't realise is that my chances would be greatly reduced next year.
SO SCREW IT ALL.
and let this be a lesson
to one and to all.
a person's a person
no matter how small.
